Thursday, 29 September 2016

9 years

Normally when I come up to my anniversary  its with a positive attitude. I look back on the year, and all though I've most definitely faced bad times, there's a hundred more good that's come.

But this year I don't really feel that sense of optimism I always have.

For the first time in all these years I have really felt stuck.

Care has just been rubbish and all the confidence and zest for living I have gained is just being lost. The company I'm with just offers no consistency, it's like they don't even try any more to provide someone that could come on a permanent basis, allowing me to have confidence in someone, and be out in the world. I'm back relying heavily on my mum. I don't want to ask to do things because it's another thing she has to do that she shouldn't. So I'm home, lucky in that if I get out once a week.

The situation is made more infuriating in that we are trying to change, switching to a plan that will allow for me to hopefully have all that I need, but we are a year into the process now and nothing has changed. You are moved from one person to the next, phone calls, emails, meetings filled with promises of pushing things on, moving forward. To be left weeks later phoning, emailing, looking for the same answers.

How am I supposed to move forward, get a job, when I would have to schedule in a job interview with my mums work schedule, her most likely having to book a day off to take me.

I have so many plans, so much I want to do, but everything is just on hold, and it's taken its toll on me this year. Being in a low place is never something I talk about, I only tell those close to me when I feel like I'm on the other side. I don't want people to have that extra worry, everyone is doing the best they can for me, and I couldn't ask or want more from those around me.

It's not about being lonely, it's just having that nothing. Growing up my life was filled with hobbies, after my accident I threw myself into education, which for me has always been something I loved. Then I found the confidence in both myself and care to be able to do all those simple fun things I had always loved to do, without having to figure out weeks in advance. I could just go to the cinema, go to the supermarket and buy stuff to make pancakes. This years it's all gone. I'd even lost my enthusiasm for blogging because I just don't feel I have anything to say.


There has been good, great things come of this year and I'm beyond grateful to be here and be apart of those moments. See my cousin and one of my best friends get engaged, another of my best friends get married and be right there besides her as her bridesmaid. The announcements of little babies joining our lives. All those little moments of happiness, laughs shared, time spent. It's these I hold on to as I move forward. I only have hope for what comes next. Hope that things come together, hope that I find my next path, even if it's just a step.

And as always I just want to say thank you, to everyone around me, you make this journey worth every up and down, your love and support big or small makes every hurdle that much easier.

Especially you momma, I love and appreciate everything, more than you could know. Even when you pull my hair :)

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Bye bye 2015

So that was 2015

I can't say 2015 has been all that I wanted it to be.

The year started well, and I was wholly optimistic for the year ahead, but things happen.

Don't get me wrong there's been some great moments.

I graduated university, which was such an achievement.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to go to university, so to finally achieve that goal was just the best feeling.

I saw one of my best friends get married, being by her side as her bridesmaid was one of the proudest moments I've had as a friend, and it was genuinely one of the nicest days, so full of love and happiness.

Then there's been those days, that weren't particularly significant, but were special because of a moment shared with the people I love.

But it's been a difficult year, a year in which I have felt a little stuck, a little lost.

Moving away from education, after it being part of my identity for so long is scary, not knowing my next step.

Finding a job in my situation isn't exactly easy, I'm pretty limited in what I can physically do. But I am aware that my situation allows for me to really look for a job I want, and would love to do.

But it m not enjoying the limbo I'm in.

Days of just doing nothing.

It doesn't help that my care support system, for so much of this year has just been, well none existent.

Not having that help feels like everything has just been on hold. I couldn't even plan drinks or a meal out without checking with my mum or my brother if they had plans, then having to ask for a lift, having to leave early, feeling like a constant pain. They've spent the day working, the last thing I want to do is bug them.

So many of my days have consisted a lot of me just being home all day. With a random PA of which I can't even have a conversation with, just bringing me cups of tea.

It's honestly sucked. Seeing everyone's lives move forward, and I couldn't even get out the house.

Everyone has been, as they always have been, great. Coming to see me, getting me out the house when they can. Of which I am so grateful for, it keeps me well.

It's because of them I smile, and despite all the frustration this year has caused, moments of sadness, the boredom and anxiety I find happiness.

My New Years won't be anything special.. I'll be home with my mum, her boyfriend and my brother, and I don't expect that the beginning of a new year will fix all my problems, but I plan on setting goals to start a change.

My first goal is to write a business plan. I've had a idea or two about what I wanted to do, but I'd hoped to gain some experience in the field before branching out on my own.

But I'm just going to go for it, see where I get, no pressure just trying.

My second goal is to get a stable care structure. Now there is only so much I can really do about this, although we are already well on our way in making a change, hopefully.

My third goal is to write.

I have always had a love affair with hand writing, I've always kept notebooks full of the silly ramblings of a teenage girl, poems, short stories, "Chloe loves..." (I'm not telling) and diaries.

Since my accident I have probably written about 10 words. It is really difficult, and it looks like a 4 year old has written them, which i do find a little embarrassing.

So this year I'm going to persevere. I have gained so much more hand control this year, it just used to drop when I lifted my arm, then it would shake while I'd try and hold it up, now although it can ache like crazy after a little burst of use, it's like I don't even have to think.

I've bought a diary, and even if it's a line every day, I will write something, every day.

& that's me.

I hope 2016 brings you joy, happiness and love, in what ever way suits you best.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

8 Years

Today 8 years ago my life as I knew it changed forever.
Since this day all those years ago I have been through every high and every low.
The plans I had may have altered or been delayed, but never will they be cancelled.
The paths and journeys I take may be different, but I will always land where I was supposed to be, where ever that may be.

For so many years I did struggle, feeling like I had lost the person I was, then I realised, I was 16... We all grow, no matter what our situation.

As my confidence grew my ability to do the things that gave me happiness grew, be old or new.

From these new growing loves I found the passion that would take me to complete my life long dream to go to university. Instead of studying something that I thought was a sensible career move, I studied something I loved,a course that I enjoyed every day, that has the opportunity to take me on so many different adventures.

I've learnt, although I still have moments of sadness when I see people moving forward and I feel a little bit stuck, that we have to live our life at our own pace, by our own standards, doing the things best for us. Instead of comparing your life to others, take enjoyment out of the life you lead, because you never know anyone else's situation, and for all you know they crave the moments you have.

Now as I enter this 8th year as a wheelchair user, I start a whole new chapter of my life. Now a graduate, I move forward from education in to the world of work, a chapter I am anxious and nervous about, but so excited to see where I find myself.

And as always, thank you.. 

To everyone, for the endless amount of support, given in an endless amount of ways..