Saturday, 1 April 2017

Chloe does Dating; Online dating

Here it is guys, my first Chloe does dating post. This is all about why I chose online dating. I have also had a few questions asking about what sites/apps I would recommend so added a lil something about my favs and my not so favs. I do hope you like

Why I chose online dating

When I first thought about dating I immediately jumped to online dating.  It is definitely the norm nowadays, everyone dating is on some kinda app.

However it wasn't just about that for me.

I felt I might do better online, for a whole number of reasons.

Firstly, it was practical.

Getting out for me, especially at the time I started this whole dating adventure wasn't easy. If I did go out it was lunch with my mum, or a family event, not much chance of a boy chatting you up during either occasion. So it gave me the opportunity to actually reach people, on a much bigger scale then the three local pubs we'd go between. I thing this is probably one of the biggest reasons online dating is so popular. We can sit in our pjs, no make, messy hair and still have game.

It allowed for me to be seen

I mean this in a couple of was. There's this strange feeling I have as a wheelchair user in that you feel like you stick out in a crowd because you're different, yet you feel completely invisible because you're 2 foot below everyone's eye level.

On the very odd occasion I'd get out with friends I would just feel invisible to guys, well everyone really if I'm honest, only really noticed when you run over someone's foot "accidentally" because they've ignored your 3rd excuse me. So online dating puts me on I guess an equal playing field with everyone, I'm now at everyone's eye level :)

Also when I say me, I mean just me. It's my chance for people to just see me and see me first, not the chair and then nothing else. I'm in no way ashamed of my disability, and it plays a big part in my life and who I am, but it's not everything. There's so much more to who I am, but often that's all anyone notices. Online dating gives me a chance to show all those aspects, to show off my incredible personality, my hilarious sense of humour (I'm totally joking btw) before seeing just that one part of me.

I like that I have conversations with people for days about my hobbies, my favourite films and songs, my disability not even mentioned until I have to answer, "what have you been up to?" With "oh you know, physio and a trip to the doctors"

Lastly..

I can honestly understand that there are people out there that might be intimidated by the chair. No one wants to offend, or say the wrong thing, so they just say nothing.

I know my chair makes me feel so much more anxious in approaching someone. Online dating makes that approach so much easier, for me at least, and there's every possibility it does for a guy too.

My dating app thoughts 

There are so many apps out there and I have been asked a few times which I have preferred or recommend.

My favourite has been OkCupid 

There are a number of questions they ask to build your profile, and yes it's a bit of an arse to fill in, but it allows you to say a lot about yourself and build a better picture of who you are. I like to get a sense of someone, know if I'm going to have something in common with them before we chat.

However a slight warning here, people can search specific words (I think) and because I have it in my profile I'm a wheelchair user I have found that I get quite a few messages from devotees.

I have also tried Plenty of Fish

Again I quite like this. Like OkCupid it's both a really easy app to use and free.

Match.com

Well that was a waste of money. I found the app honestly almost impossible to use and figure out. I also found that at 25 everyone was at least 10 years older than me. I don't think I had any kind of conversation here.

I've toyed with other payed apps, but there are so many good ones out there that are free I just don't know that they'd offer anything more. I also think the free ones attract people move my age, because let's face it we're all pretty skint right now :)

But at the end of the day it's what you put into it. I think if you put effort into creating a profile that shows people you, and put time into saying hi, continuing conversations with people you'll get results, no matter who you are.

Love, C x

Sunday, 12 March 2017

I'm still here

So I know I know, I get you all excited about my big come back, and my dating series plans, and I ditch you for a month.

BUT

It has been crazy here. Even as I sit here typing this out I don't really know where to start, and yes this is like my third attempt at this post.

There's been so many big changes going on and I want to tell you everything, but trying to find the best way to get it all down and in some kind of order is taking some figuring out.

I am so excited to get deep with my dating series, especially after the amazing response I had from my first post. I have had some great questions from people in a similar situation, as well as some pretty surprising ones that shocked me a little. I think it really opened my eyes as to how needed an open and honest discussion is needed on this subject. I'm in no way pretending to be some kind of expect on the whole dating with a disability scene, and like with dating for anyone, everyone's experience is different. I just hope I can give an insight into how it can be through my experiences and look at some of the issues, problems and difficulties faced when dating with a disability. I have all my titles ready, don't think I'm ignoring you if I haven't answered your question just yet, it's because it's coming up in a post, and I'd rather give you a full story than just a quick answer.

But as excited as I am to get that all going, I am also going through one of the biggest, scariest, but most exciting processes to change how my care (I hate that word) is payed for and provided.

As well as this whole medical, thing that is taking up to much of my time and mostly causing me frustration.

Then there's the fun stuff.. Like my birthday!

So.. Please do bare with me. I have one more week of non stop doctors and specialists appointments, as well as meetings and interviews. Then I can put my half written ramblings into something cohesive.

Love, C xx

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Chloe does Dating

Although it's been a difficult time while I've been away there has been a lot of fun things going on, and I have made some positive changes along the way.

One of which being my love life.

I recently did a little Q&A over on susie does life (one of my favourite blogs FYI) about dating with a disability. It was really great actually, she asked some great questions that made me delve deep. You should read it here now, but I thought I'd expand it a little and start a little dating with Chloe series.

It's such a big topic, in general and for me too. So I thought it's best to split it into a little series. This way I can really talk about things instead of maybe just doing an overview of different aspects of dating with a disability. Explain properly how I feel about certain things, maybe how others do, and how I actually do things, people love that story.

Speaking of overviews, I thought I'd start with a post about how I started and a brief insight into my experiences and thoughts so far. 🙂

Even through all the stresses of everything, my, let's say, dating escapades, have been the one thing that I have really kept at. It was easy enough to drift in and out of, and offered an escape from the crap that was going on elsewhere in my life.

Over the years I've signed up to online dating, I think more to just see.

It would never get any further than conversation, and that was okay, I don't think I was ready for more, but it was nice to have a slight flirtation, and conversation with a boy.

But at the beginning of last year I just thought, you know what I'm in a good place, even though that technically didn't last very long. I'm comfortable and happy with who I am, I'm just going to jump in and go for it, and I did.

I signed up to pof with every intent on finding my one true love, and after pretty much completing it, I switched to okcupid. Still no love, but quite a few dates.

I have gone through every kind of process I guess, when it comes to telling people about my disability. At first I left it off my profile, but now it's the very first line.

It's been interesting, let's say that, but I think online dating is for anyone if we are honest. My disability just adds an extra layer or a different angle on things.

There's been a lot of downs.

Many cancelled dates, some of which there's no explanation, others kinda freak out and tell you it's just to much.

There's the times you just feel like a curiosity to people, they message you, ask you a bunch of questions then bail.

There's this sense that because you are probably open in sharing a little more then most, that there's just no boundaries. The amount of people that just dive straight into questions about sex is beyond me.

Then theres definitely those moments of feeling like no one will ever love me as my 17th message goes unanswered, and no matter what, my first thought will always be, it's because I'm disabled, even though he might just hate the fact I like horror films.

But there has been some good, fun times too.

With every date I feel an extra little buzz of confidence, even after the bad ones. I gain a momentary sense of, I can do this, I can do anything! I feel fanciable, even if they don't necessarily fancy me.

I also just feel like a girl for a moment. Very rarely, in fact I don't think ever, does stuff about my disability, the stress with care, medical stuff come up in a conversation on an actual date, for the first date at least. For that hour or so I just talk about me and my hobbies and interests. That doesn't mean I'm apposed to it, but it's nice to just have that break from it all.

Throughout all these experiences though I feel I have learnt a lot. Mostly that I have a ridiculous need to fill awkward silences with any kind of nonsense, often leading to more awkwardness than any kind of awkward silence.

If you have any burning questions that come up during these posts, please, please, please, do let me know. I would love to know what you think, and also what it is you want to know.

Lots of love Chloe Xx