Wednesday, 26 January 2011

To my Dad

11 years ago on this day my Dad was killied in a accident whilst at work.

I wish i could write for pages about how much i love him, and how much i miss him, but i can't. There simply are no words that can be said to express how much i miss him everyday.

I miss his random taste in music from Elvis to shania twain...

I miss going on fishing holidays, even though there was nowhere to pee...

I miss camping in the living room with him & my brother, even when the weight holding up our bedsheet tent fell on us....

I miss going to tennerife, watching Elvis & getting locked in a toliet....

I miss his voice and his cuddles...

I love you dad, i love you so much

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Bored Bored Bored!!

Bored Bored Bored!!

This week has been so long and slow.

I have done nothing! My friend did come on tuesday for tea and chat, and to get her birthday prezzie. Then my cousion came with her boyfriend for a hour, to pick up some baby clothes.

But apart from college i'v not been out of the house all week. But with the stress of college at the begining of the week, along with just feeling crap, i haven't felt like it. But jeeeeezzzzz! I'm actualy bored of TV and the internet.

Atm im supposed to be writing my coursework, but i actualy dont know what to do, which is just annoyin me! I have the worst headache too, I know im moaning abit, but i'v reached a point that i just can't be botherd. Im bored, stuck, tired, feel sick, have a headache and i'm BORED!!! My mums been to work today as well so she wont want to do anything, and all my friends are either at work or away. So todays gunna be another day in bed watching crap, eating crap & feeling crap! Fun...

Allthough yesturday i did watch an amazing film, Everybodys fine. It was beautiful, deppresing but beautiful, It made me cry, and i NEVER cry at films, EVER!! Please wach it.

Last year i wouldn't of minded a week in, but i have had such a busy few months that the bordem has hit me hard...

Im off to watch crap TV and eat crap food.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

A Result, I think ?!?

Excited for the week... famous last words...

Since last Wednesday i have been feeling abit off, and have suspected an infection coming on, so today iv had some swabs taken & i'll find out Monday if my suspicions were right.

But i have been feeling like absolute crap! Sunday i barely slept... i watched bee movie 4 times just in to see if it helped me drift off, which it normally does, but it was not happening. I just kept going from cold sweats, to being boiling, to just cold, i just felt crap! I just about managed to fall asleep but was woken at 6 for college... i think i got 2 and a half hours sleep. So the lack of sleep just made me feel 10 times worse.

I did get to college but i knew if we were watching a film i'd be flat out asleep on the desk, but thankfully we were discussing. But no one turned up to take my notes, so being there was fairly pointless.

After class i was summoned to the head of studies.
Firstly i was told that she didn't appreciate me not turning up for a previous meeting. I got mad straight away. My mum went to one meeting but the woman was unprepared so another meeting was to be arranged, that was the last we heard.
Then she went on about me not phoning in when im absent, I got madder! My mum or a PA phoned in every single time i was off, but messages were never passed on, that was not my fault!
Then she asked what my plans for the future were... I told her next year im taking a year out so that i can work on me, get my head sorted, have intense physio.  A lil white lie, i will be having physio, but i told her that i would have to stay in hospital, this was offered to me but theres no chance im staying in hospital for a hour or 2 of physio a day. Soo ssshhhhh.... :D
Then i said after that i dont know. Before my accident i had my whole life planned. So now i find it so hard to plan ahead, 'cause i just never know whats around the corner. I also dont want to set goals, especially with time frames, and feel that disappointment again if something happens to stop me getting there, its to heartbreaking!
She replied by saying that if i think like that i will drift through life & at 40 wounder what i'v done with my life. I was so mad i couldn't talk. I was just thinking no, no, NO! I will achieve things, i'v re learnt how to feed myself, put on make up, use a computer, a phone, brush my teeth, is that achieving nothing??
I may not have an amazing job in the future, but i WILL be happy & i WILL have achieved a hell of alot!!

I was then told a decision would be made tomorrow...

I now felt crap & stressed, convinced i was getting kicked out, once in bed i just cried.

On Tuesday i went to the meeting, to my shock i can stay, but if i have a unauthorised absence im out! Which is fair enough, but i'v never had one, its their lack of communication, so i will always be on edge!

So for now im in, 5mths left, lets see...

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Busy Funness :)

Its been a great week...

Wednesday i went out with my friends, vee, key & jess, as key is off back to uni, well yesterday now, so that was lovely. I went on my own too, which im very proud of :) no mum or PA loitering about...

Then Thursday i went to college & watched 'a bout de souffle' which is 'Breathless' in English, i enjoyed it, its very charming in its own little way... Then we went out for tea ( for my American readers tea is our evening meal, we didn't just go out for a cup of tea :) ) so we went out for tea for my cousin's birthday, that was a lot of fun, lots of gossip & baby talk. Was a early night though as we had a long day ahead of us.

I was woken at 8 on Friday morning, i wasn't impressed to say the least... Once showed, dressed & packed we were on our way to kingston town, we got about 25mins into our journey & my mum realised we had forgotten the sling for the hoist, the single most important piece of equipment. So we had to turn back & get it. Thank God mum rembered then, otherwise we would of been screwed! We would of either had to go back home, which is anoter 5hr drive... or phone around hospitals and hope we could get one, or have 4 people give me a leg and a wing into bed... No thanks, im getting braver, but not that brave....

I LOVE going to kingston! Shopping in the early afternoon, lunch on the river, a bit more shopping, and most importantly i get to see my little cuz... & my aunt & uncle of course :)

But this trip was a bit different, i had gone down to get my hair chopped off! I had had it booked since November. I love my hair, and having to have it ALL hacked off after my accident i didn't think i would EVER get it cut short. But after growing it for 2 and a half years i was just bored of it, it was just there...

My appointment wasn't till 5, so we all went shopping & for lunch on the river as usual then me mum & clare (my aunt) went to the hairdressers... the first chop was a tad painful, but the more that got chopped off, the more i loved it!!

There it is... Hope you like it!

To celebrate my new cut we went out for a few cocktails which was very nice, but i think i was more excited about seeing a fox.... I had never seen one before, it was only little, my aunt thought it was a cat. I tutted at it & it looked at us, it was soooo cute! It looked very clean & it had a gurjus bushy tail, they always look abit scraggly on TV.

It has been a good week, & a even better weekend, but i am glad to be home. A long weekend siting for 10-12 hrs everyday takes a toll on your muscles, my shoulder is killing!!

Im now back home in bed, eating chocolate, having a cup of tea, catching up on stuff i have missed over the weekend, excited to see what tomorrow brings...

Monday, 10 January 2011


I have been for my 1 year check up today and all seems well.

Everyone said how well i looked, which is always nice to hear...

Its just a chat really to see how things are and if i have had any problems. I told them about my feet and i took them some pics. The doctor asked me if i didn't like him, i was very confused, but he just ment we should of phoned them. Like he said they deal with people with spinal injuries everyday so they know like what to do, wereas with docs here its abit trial and error. Wish i'd have phoned straight away then maybe i wouldn't have been on antibiotics for 7mth.

We also talked about my knee twisting and he gave me lots of options. The easiest is i can double my meds, but that means i will sleep forever. Along with the meds he gave us some exercises. He also said the best thing is to lie on my stomach, which scares me, i just keep thinking it will set off my AD, or i will strugle breathing and i know it will hurt. If that dosen't work, or the meds are to much then botox is a option. But all thats easy compared to my final option. Thus is to have surgery and have the muscle released, which just seems abit extreme. So i'll try exercise first, then i'll go on my belly, then up my meds, then botox and then i'll probably just live with it for as long  as possable, surgery sounds scary.

Just got to get some ultrasounds on my kidneys, liver & bladder, not sure why but im supposed to have them every year.

So now as long as i stay well i dont need to go back for a whole year...

Fingers crossed :D

Saturday, 8 January 2011

An all right start to the new year

So my healthy eating has started well.

Yesterday i had a fat free yogurt for breakfast, then i had a cornbeef sandwhich on wholemeal bread & baked crisps, for tea i had prawn stirfry, after that i had fruit, i did give into my chocolate craving a little later on and have some milkybar moments which are just amazing.

I had macdonalds on wednesday, but thats allowed because i went to the hospital. Most of the sores are getting better, but i have a new 1 :(

The wool in the casts i have to wear had folded up and caused a presure point on top of my foot. So now i have a big hole on top of my foot, so once healed im going to have a big dint/scar right on top of my foot, which is going to look very nice in my summer dolly shoes. Not impressed.

On another note i got some exciting news friday morning, my big cousin is 70% going to have a baby girl. Their only 70% sure because the baby had its legs crossed, so we will find out for sure in 6 weeks when they go for a 4D scan.

70% is good enough for me to start buying baby clothes, she is going to be one spoilt lil baba :)

I have decied im going to relax this weekend, throw myself into sims. Next weeks very busy!

Hospital Monday for my yearly m.o.t with the doc's at the spinal unit, then iv got to stay late in college all week to finish our practical film work, plus iv got to write a thousand word essay about my influences for the film, but i have none because the one day i dont go to class because im snowed in they change the whole flipping thing, & turn it in to some chessy bollywood film. I wouldn't mind but the only bollywood esque film iv seen is bride & prejudice, how can i write about my influences when i have none...

Little rant over, im very much looking forward to friday because im off to that london :) were going to see my aunt & my lovely lil cuz, but most inportantly im off to get all my hair chopped off, im going for a rihanna style bob, cant wait!!

Well im off to make babies in sims :)

Bye for now xoxo

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


One thing that comes with new year is new years resolutions. This year mine are to just do things! I need to get over my fears of everything, but thats easier said than done!! Lots easier!!

The easier one being healthy eating, i say as i am tucking into m&m's :)

My diets crazy has been since my accident...

For about 3mths i didn't eat anything i was on 4 different antibiotics, loads of pain meds, muscle relaxers and blood thinners, it was crazy, i was on like 60pills a day plus drips... all i did was throw up.

After that i really didn't like food, all i would eat was crisps. From that i moved on to mcdonalds & kfc, id have 1 a day.

Hospital food was out the question, the smell would make me sick.

The first time i ate sat up i threw up. I had spent 4mth eating either flat or sat at 25 degrees.. ( i know this because i wasnt allowed to sit higher then that without a neck brace ) ... my body wasnt used to me eating sat up. I was so annoyed because my mum had made a sunday dinner & id been waiting 4mth for it. We were staying in the half way house, which is like a small flat at the hospital were you can book & be in a home situation. My mum put me to bed & a hour later i managed to eat some. It was sooooo good! Id forgot how good food was!

I lost about 3 and a half / 4 stone whilst in hospital.

It took a long time for me to start liking normal food again, i was almost afraid of sloppy or saucy food in case it made me sick.

Now i still only really have 1 meal and i snack the rest of the time. This is for a number of reasons.

I dont get hungry alot and i cant eat a full meal. I used to eat like a large big mac meal & still be hungry. Now i eat the burger & im full.

Im also very particular with food, i hate people touching my food. I had a PA that would sit with her fingers in her mouth all day, then she would prepare food, that just put me off. Plus i hate people feeding me, either i do it or my mum.

I get days were i just dont want to eat, and days were im hungry every 30min, & ill just snack all day

Im trying to stop eating crisps and eat fruit. Dont get me wrong i love fruit, but when i feel sick or its 3pm & iv not eatin, im not hungry but i need to eat, crisps are easy and starchy. Its annoying, i have to eat because if i dont i go what we call funny, i go cold & shiver but i sweat as if it was 100oC. I dont know why cause im not diabetic, i just know if i go funny i eat and 10min later i feel better.

Im going to try my best, i did a healthy shop online that arrives tomorrow, so we will see how it goes :)