Thursday, 10 April 2014

"Care" and anxiety

I have known for a really long time this post was coming.

Yesterday was my PA and very good friend Stephs last day of working with me.

She told me in October she was going to be leaving, but was going to be staying on until i found someone i was comfortable with to take over. Which is obviously amazing.

But i really really struggled with it for a long while. I don't think i was myself for a while.

I'm have been so overly anxious, and terrified at times about the future, that i have been dipping in and out of just wanting to hide and trying my best to distract myself.

Having Steph for the last 3 years has given me stability, and allowed me to grow so much.

Yes, i have my mum, but my mum is my mum, and she wants to care for me, which i don't need, i just need a pair of hands.

Then because my mum is my mum, she knows best, so instead of just doing as i ask, she does what she wants. I get that makes me sound bratty, but every mum does it, it's their job.

"You shouldn't fold your towels, hang them" It's frustrating.

I think all woman have a it's my way mentality in some way, down to stupid things, like the towels.

Between friends we don't question each others ways, we laugh and accept that i insist you flush your germ filled tissues down the loo.

But mums, mums will argue with you for 10 minutes about you being silly, then turn around and unfold all your towels and hang them, lecturing you as they go, then they'll wipe down your sick, ask when you last cleaned your loo, and before you know it, shes cleaned your whole bathroom.

It sounds petty, but it's your choices, your space, you don't want all of that to be questioned, and argued, it's annoying.

Normal mother daughter relationships it's fine, you have your argument, spend 5 min on social media venting your frustration, then it's a week until you make the mistake of asking her to properly dispose of a tissue.

But i have to ask for help in everything i do.

And my mother, bless her heart, will never just do as i ask, so i get frustrated, we argue, and i look like a brat.

I know she does it out of love, and when we argue i get "i just want what's best" but i don't need that.

The choices i make, the direction i give, is the only control i have over my life. So when you feel your decisions are constantly questioned or argued, when that is all you have., it gets you down.

I don't blame her in the slightest, and it comes from a good place, and the majority of the time the help my mum gives me is invaluable, i could never express how grateful i am for everything she does for me.

Which is why having Steph has been so important.

It allows me to have a good relationship with my mum, because we never argue out of that "caring" relationship.

It allowed for me to grow up, and feel validated in my decisions, my choices.

I shed sooooo many of my anxieties, because i had someone i felt safe with, someone that knows how i like things done.

Because i felt so confident with her, i felt happy and safe in doing the things i loved again, so i was able to become me again.

Losing this terrifies me.

I know i'll go back to relying on my mum more, because shes back to being my source of stability.

Its going to take time for me to feel comfortable and put down those walls of anxiety, so i can do things by myself again.

Ive just found myself again, i don't want to lose me.

I'm trying my best to push through the anxiety, because i know it's that that is holding me back. Starting small by letting the new PAs help me get ready when my mum isn't in, so that i can't fall back on her. Which is massive, this used to take weeks.

And those last 10 days proved i can do it, my safety net was thousands of miles away.

Yes i'm terrified, and spend 5 minutes explaining i'm quite because im anxious, not because i don't like you. Im pushing further out of my comfort zone quicker than i'm used to.

I'll get there, my confident logical brain is always fighting the anxious brain, and my confident one will win.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like it's going to be a tough time transitioning but you seem like you're really in touch with yourself and your strengths! Good luck :)

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