Although it's been a difficult time while I've been away there has been a lot of fun things going on, and I have made some positive changes along the way.
One of which being my love life.
I recently did a little Q&A over on susie does life (one of my favourite blogs FYI) about dating with a disability. It was really great actually, she asked some great questions that made me delve deep. You should read it here now, but I thought I'd expand it a little and start a little dating with Chloe series.
It's such a big topic, in general and for me too. So I thought it's best to split it into a little series. This way I can really talk about things instead of maybe just doing an overview of different aspects of dating with a disability. Explain properly how I feel about certain things, maybe how others do, and how I actually do things, people love that story.
Speaking of overviews, I thought I'd start with a post about how I started and a brief insight into my experiences and thoughts so far. 🙂
Even through all the stresses of everything, my, let's say, dating escapades, have been the one thing that I have really kept at. It was easy enough to drift in and out of, and offered an escape from the crap that was going on elsewhere in my life.
Over the years I've signed up to online dating, I think more to just see.
It would never get any further than conversation, and that was okay, I don't think I was ready for more, but it was nice to have a slight flirtation, and conversation with a boy.
But at the beginning of last year I just thought, you know what I'm in a good place, even though that technically didn't last very long. I'm comfortable and happy with who I am, I'm just going to jump in and go for it, and I did.
I signed up to pof with every intent on finding my one true love, and after pretty much completing it, I switched to okcupid. Still no love, but quite a few dates.
I have gone through every kind of process I guess, when it comes to telling people about my disability. At first I left it off my profile, but now it's the very first line.
It's been interesting, let's say that, but I think online dating is for anyone if we are honest. My disability just adds an extra layer or a different angle on things.
There's been a lot of downs.
Many cancelled dates, some of which there's no explanation, others kinda freak out and tell you it's just to much.
There's the times you just feel like a curiosity to people, they message you, ask you a bunch of questions then bail.
There's this sense that because you are probably open in sharing a little more then most, that there's just no boundaries. The amount of people that just dive straight into questions about sex is beyond me.
Then theres definitely those moments of feeling like no one will ever love me as my 17th message goes unanswered, and no matter what, my first thought will always be, it's because I'm disabled, even though he might just hate the fact I like horror films.
But there has been some good, fun times too.
With every date I feel an extra little buzz of confidence, even after the bad ones. I gain a momentary sense of, I can do this, I can do anything! I feel fanciable, even if they don't necessarily fancy me.
I also just feel like a girl for a moment. Very rarely, in fact I don't think ever, does stuff about my disability, the stress with care, medical stuff come up in a conversation on an actual date, for the first date at least. For that hour or so I just talk about me and my hobbies and interests. That doesn't mean I'm apposed to it, but it's nice to just have that break from it all.
Throughout all these experiences though I feel I have learnt a lot. Mostly that I have a ridiculous need to fill awkward silences with any kind of nonsense, often leading to more awkwardness than any kind of awkward silence.
If you have any burning questions that come up during these posts, please, please, please, do let me know. I would love to know what you think, and also what it is you want to know.
Lots of love Chloe Xx