Long time no see
How have you been?
I'm good, it's been, yeah. I'll fill you in slowly.
I've missed this, I have, and I don't know that this is an I'm back, but I'm most definitely in a place where things are better, and I'm excited to write again.
Writing for me has always been a great source of therapy, even as a kid I'd write diaries and poems, stories. It's how I have always made sense of the things that run through my head and get them all out.
However, for a large part of last year i just couldn't sum up anything, any energy, want.
I had all these things going on, things I wanted to write about, things that were important in my journey.
Yet there was this big grey, stormy cloud that just stopped everything.
For many years the care I was receiving was in a word, awful. It's something I have wrote about before and tweeted about a lot.
Since leaving uni I lost all permanent staff as they went off on their own adventures. Which happens, it's happened a number of times and it's fine, but this time was different.
The company I was with just made no effort in finding me new permanent staff.
They kept telling me they only had staff outside of the boundaries I have set, they'd then send different staff every week or two.
I had no consistency, which for me is incredibly important. I have so many anxieties when it comes to new people.
By the time anyone had been taught properly the I do things, they'd be going and someone new was coming, which was just exhausting for both me and my mum, who's shoulders it fell on to teach them.
The constant stream of new people living in the house just created a atmosphere in where no one felt comfortable in our own home.
It was because of all of this that we started the process of moving to a system in where I had control in everything, my budget and the ability to hire and fire who I want.
Something that should have taken a few months that now 18 months later just about seems to be taking shape.
Though out this time I was left always feeling anxious. Either from the lack of consistency or the speed of things not changing.
I never did anything, I left the house once a week on my mums day off if lucky.
My mum in the end just stopped showing them what to do and did it because it was just easier, so I would never want to ask to go anywhere because she was already doing way more than she should whilst having an actual job.
There was this tension, mum was mad and exhausted because she was doing the job of the PAs while they were sat up stairs doing nothing.
It all just made me feel like such a burden in every way, I felt like the cause of everything, everyone's anger, tiredness, awkwardness.
Then on top of all this I know felt like I had no purpose.
My life consisted of me being sat in a room.
Watching all my friends move forward, have new jobs, relationships grow, start families, buy houses.
I had nothing.
It all spiralled into, such a sadness.
This doesn't mean I didn't have good times, I had great times, and although I hid it from family and friends they were amazing as always in just coming here, knowing and understanding how difficult it was in me getting out.
But when I felt like I wasn't enjoying the things I'd usually love that's when I knew I had to speak out.
I spoke to mum, I went to the doctor to seek counselling and I spoke to a few of my friends.
In all honesty just simply telling someone made me feel so much better, which is why I know for me counselling is what I need. I just need someone to talk to, off load.
I also feel like things are starting to come together.
My care stuff looks like it might be close to conclusion.
I am working hard at looking for work, work experience or volunteer work. Signed up to job apps, gone through charities, the job centre, signed up to volunteer sites, emailed companies asking for work experience., got my CRB check, just got to wait for someone to employe me now.
So all in all after the past year and a bit the future feels a lot more positive and I'm actually excited to see what comes next.